Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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