She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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