I'm pants shitting drunk right now
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
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