Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
