my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
