Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
