Soap is not a condiment
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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