do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
