You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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