I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
