Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
