Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
