just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
