1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The dick lei will go down in squad history
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
