Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
