Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i just google imaged poop.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Randomize
