I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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