I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
