why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
