he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
