I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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