when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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