the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
