peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
