He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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