my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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