Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
