please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
