I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
