Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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