In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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