I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Why did my mother make you get naked?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
