I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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