Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
