I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
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