You're so nebulous sometimes
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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