i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
