Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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