This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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