It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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