alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
