I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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