She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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