I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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