i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
