I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
