3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
