Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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