She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
