woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
3pm strippers are depressing
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
