I'm so fucking centered right now
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
