If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
