My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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